Details and Lessons from my miscarriage...

Rewind about 9 months... I was sitting in relief society and I was feeling exceptionally empty. I didn't know why but I felt our family was missing something. It came to me during that lesson... just a peaceful quiet feeling that perhaps a fourth child could be on the horizon and would be a big blessing to us. 

6 months later... I discovered I was expecting. I was thrilled, yet nervous, as always. I continued with my normal hectic schedule and busy life, not much changed. The kids were so excited of course... I often try to remember if I had a feeling something was wrong, but I honestly don't remember. I did imagine my little winter baby and how old he/she would be during such and such... finding out my little sis was pregnant and due 2 weeks before made it even more fun! (though I realized I needed to try not to steal her thunder of course)... the first ultrasound indicated that I wasn't as far along as I thought... and it was by 3 weeks! This raised concern but the doc didn't seem to have any so I suppressed mine. About a month after I started to spot. Although common in pregnancy it was never common with my pregnancies. I had an appointment the next morning so I decided not to worry. Jarom asked if he could accompany me but I told him it would be ok. 

And then the words "unfortunately you're going to miscarry this one". I was 12 weeks (according to my last ultrasound but suppose I could have been as far along as 15 weeks if we went by the dates and perhaps the fetus was already not growing normally). I cried a little, it was kinda awkward being there alone. I wished so badly I had Jarom's hand to hold. He's the only one who could feel what I was feeling at that time. I hurried and got dressed and practically ran out of the office so no one could see my mascara stained face. I called him crying and he knew, I couldn't get the words out but he knew. After a few tearful phone calls to my mom and sisters, I decided I would just let the miscarriage happen. I didn't feel like I wanted to go under anesthesia and all that. Oh if I only had known! I told the kids. They were pretty sad. Lydi didn't say much but I could see her processing what I was telling her. Jackson hung his head in despair because he really wanted a brother. Taylor didn't say anything at the time I told her but the next day she said out of the blue, "mom the baby in your tummy went to Heavenly Father" and now she says every day that she is going to ask Jesus to put a new baby in my tummy. 

That weekend was our family reunion and I can't believe I went on water slides and did all the activities so casually! I guess I truly didn't know what to expect! On the last day we were all watching tv at mom and Mike's house and I just felt a gush (ok stop reading if you don't want to know the gory details). I ran to the bathroom and it kept on coming... I was surprised at the emotions that came! I had made my peace with losing this baby but actually doing it was very emotional. As it was happening, I again just wanted Jarom to be with me! I also wanted my mommy haha... I sat on the pot and just prayed that someone would know to come check on me. I had tried to call out but no one could hear me in all the hustle and bustle. Finally Jarom knocked and asked if I was ok. (later I told him he was feeling prompted by the Spirit and he informed me it was actually Jennesa who told him to check on me- haha) 

My mom and Jarom moved me to the bathtub because I was pretty faint and uncomfortable and I was bleeding sooooo much. After a couple of hours and a call to the doc it started to slow down so I went home. I went right to bed. The next morning I felt decent considering and I started to get up and make some real estate phone calls. I went to the bathroom finally for the first time and the bleeding became extremely heavy again. The dizziness set in a lot faster this time and I just knew my body couldn't lose much more blood. I moved to the tub again but this time only lasted a few minutes. Jarom was right by me and I told him to call 911 and then I was out. I just remember the walls closing in as I said that. When I came to I remember hearing Jarom frantically calling my name while on the phone with the 911 operator. I didn't respond but I knew he was talking to me. Next thing I knew there were 3 firemen and 2 paramedics in my bathroom starting an iv and hoisting me onto a stretcher. It was all pretty scary but I was so out of it so I'm sure being the observer was more frightening! When they were wheeling me out all I kept telling Jarom is to tell the kids I loved them. I truly just kept imagining their faces over and over again. Thank goodness Rachel had kept them the night before! This would have been a nightmare for them! 

Jarom was right there when I got out of the ambulance and I was so glad to see him. My mom got there fast and the doctors determined I was too unstable to move to the hospital where my doc was and that I was going to have a d and c. Right before I went back to the OR, I had another incident... its kinda funny. I have learned an odd trait from my mom. When a situation would be super inappropriate to laugh in, we can't help ourselves. I was laughing so hard I couldn't pay attention to the nurses and tears were coming out of my eyes! After my laughing fit, I happened to hear the nurse say "60 over 40" and then they rushed me off. They were hooking up a bag of blood to me as they were willing me to the OR. Now I was really scared. The urgency of the medical staff made me feel very uneasy and like this could be the end. I was so grateful to get the anesthesia. 

When I was waking up, I am telling you I have never felt such an overwhelming peace and happiness. And the first words that came to my mind were "Hi Grandpa Taylor". I felt just like I always did in his presence: just happy, calm and loved. I knew he was there, on my left side and I could imagine what he looked like in his younger image. I felt him so strong. As soon as I opened my eyes and the nurse came in I began to not be able to feel and my pain and anxiety returned. So much so that I actually physically started to shake. I know my Grandpa didn't leave me. I know it was my own inability to focus and stay close to the veil, to shut the world out that made me not feel him as strongly. 

My recovery wasn't easy. I had to stay over night and for the next week I was very debilitated with horrible headaches, cramps and fatigue. I can't believe how many people stepped in to help out and offer kind words. I truly felt loved! 

Now me being me, I always have to surmise some reason for everything that happens. A few days ago it just hit me. I am grateful for the empathy I gained for so many women who have experienced similar losses. I am grateful to have had that experience with my Grandpa Taylor. I am grateful for the humbling experience it was to receive service. I am grateful to now be able to appreciate what a gift every annoying pregnancy symptom is. I am grateful for an opportunity in life to re-prioritize. But most of all- I am grateful for Jarom. I am not one to publicly praise my husband, he hates that, and I love that about him. I realized through all of this how much I need him and how he was there and that he always be. I have always been of the independent sort (ok my brothers call me a feme-nazi). I can't promise I won't say feminist things, I probably won't stop being me, therefore we will still fight of course. But having a husband by my side that loves me and that I know will support me always is the most wonderful gift. I love my kids with all my heart but in the end it will be just him and I! I want to put more effort into our relationship than ever before. I know from studies and life experience that when two parents are united and love each other, they create the MOST stable environment for children to be reared in. So now, if the Lord decides to bless us with another child, I know that child will come to an even happier home. 

I am so grateful for eternal families. I know that whether I am given this child later through pregnancy or in the next life that the Lord's will was done and that everything will be alright in the end. I'm grateful for my experience, I can honestly say that. I will always love that little bean that had the beating heart. He or she taught me so much! I love my family and feel so lucky and blessed to have them.