Where to begin... life moves on! Wake UP!

Looking back on some old blog books and feeling a little like I wanted to reconnect (with myself, my kids, Jarom, our life), I decided to pull this ol' thing up and man! I am overwhelmed with how fast time flies and how much the ordinary becomes extraordinary when it is in the past. My time home with the girls, my struggle with anxiety, the holidays, the funny things my kids used to say... I'm grateful and humbled and altogether a little solemnly happy looking at these things. Though I may not look on this post with as much pride or joy I can't help but to be honest. I feel I have been somewhat asleep to life. I read in 2Nephi when Jacob talks about being "captive" and to "Awake". I got sick this past week and I had somewhat of an "awakening". I awakened to the fact that my thoughts have been occupied by dance choreography and schedules. I awakened to the fact that my creativity and energy was being spent in the classroom and online. I awakened to the fact that my church service had grown a bit stale and wasn't coming from the right place. I awakened to the fact that the garden won't grow without weeds if I don't constantly prune and manage it. Thankfully we have two gardeners in our house and he has been by my side, patient, loving and forgiving. So as my awakening happens, I decide to delete the Facebook App (for whatever reason it has become a distraction- it has left me captive/ captivated on not awake). I decide to air fry egglplant for eggplant parmesan and start working on family meals with a little more creativity and effort. I start digging into what's going on at school. I have a quiet moment where I let Mal read to me, not with a hurried sort of pace but a slow, allow her to struggle pace. I lecture the kids with Jarom about their grades and how important they are and let my heart break as they feel our disappointment. I just want to take any grief from them but I know it's not what's best. I painstakingly sit next to my eldest and try to figure out 15 math problems that have long left the ol' cerebral cavity. I download an app to help us. We have laughs. We share grief. I withstand a little eye rolling. I just want to hug her and take her to do something she loves. I don't want to make her feel like I'm disappointed in her. But a quiet voice tells me she is meant for more so we push on through the math. At the end of all this night my husband helps me to bed. I open my scriptures with determination even though it's past midnight. I wake up to attempted to snuggles but I'm too grumpy so I shove him away. I feel guilt. He makes breakfast. I cry. He feels guilt. We comfort each other as best we can and I head out the door to work. Sweet text comes wanting to have lunch with me. He's sorry for setting 15 alarms to bug me and for shoving me away when I tried to apologize. I sit here at my desk in tears. Regretful that I let my garden grown without me for a time. Determined to not let it happen again. Fearful that I most definitely will as I don't always trust myself with stamina and sticking to something. My family is first. My family is first. What does that mean? It means my "self-care" is wrapped up in their care. As I consider my disappointment that they can't thrive without me holding their hands, I think of my Heavenly Father. He must think the same of me! Yet both me and them, we take our walks alone sometimes. Don't we all realize how much it helps to have someone there by our side who cares as much and feels the pain we are suffering and wants to help? To my teenager and pre-teen- I love you so much. I fret with you and over you. I don't know what to do sometimes to help you navigate this rough patch. I'm doing what I think is right but pleeeassse stay close. I hope you see I AM proud of you. To my little girls: I get caught up in wishing for more time with you I forget that you are right there. Let's go to the swing and ride and take a jump on the tramp. Your lives are a lot more simple. Let's enjoy this time together! To my husband: my ultimate cheerleader, my rock in so many ways... Are we doing all we can? I'm sorry for the grumpy morning Mel- let's keep trying together- for like eternity k? I'm grateful to be awake even if awake means hot tears and headaches. I love you guys so much. Let's stay close.