Life is crazy right now. Accepting the risk of coming off as melo-dramatic, I feel like I am on a fast moving train and everything happening looks like a blur. I tried, starting yesterday, to let myself just chill and play with the kids and enjoy everything they say and do. I think it worked. I was more energized yesterday and I guess it was obvious enough that Lydi noticed it. Between a few rounds of Ring Around the Rosie, she smiled really big at me and said, "mom this is a good day today!" As happy as that made me, it also broke my heart! Have I really been so obviously overwhelmed that my 3 year old noticed when I just stopped, breathed, and played with her? I think I've been having somewhat of lull in my life and so I've filled their time with going out and doing stuff. We've been to Schnepf Farms a million times, the park lots, out on walks, to the carnival, out of town etc... this is all fun but all kids really need is personal time and attention. Ok so thats easy, I can do that. I DO have the cutest kids in the world so how hard can that be?
Many who read this probably know that our family is going through a huge change. A good change, but huge nonetheless. I am experiencing emotions I never knew existed and I flip like a switch! One day I am overwhelmed with joy and peace and the next minute I am bitter. Not bitter toward the people involved (in case they read this) just bitter that life didn't work out according to plans. I thought I was all grown up but I guess I am just a kid inside that still holds on to childhood hopes and prayers. I remember from the time I was 10, every star I wished on, every penny I through in a fountain and everytime I blew out my birthday candles, I wished for our family to just be together. Mom, dad and us. I am really having to learn all about unselfish love. So I didn't get the wish, prayers are answered in other ways. Now I will get to live by my mom, now I get to know that she's taken care of, now I get to try to get to know and love others, now I get to open my heart to my dad's new family too and stop swallowing resentment. Just love him and hope he's happy. Just love mom and watch her be happy and make a new life for herself. I do think the time between bitter moments is stretching a little and I know it will continue to do so until I can't remember why I was ever upset. The crazy thing is I never knew I was holding on to those wishes. I didn't realize that until all hope vanished this month. I really need to trust that everything will be worked out later and just enjoy life. I am grateful so much for my husband who just gets me, lets me vent, tells me when I'm justified and when I'm not and just loves me, even when I'm in a funk! I think the end of the funk is approaching, the train is slowing down a little, and I'm finally able to be a little more introspective and less numb and weird. So! Maybe now I'll update on all those fun things I mentioned earlier!! Stay tuned...
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3 comments:
Love you mel! Let's talk on the phone soon. And maybe I need to come visit!
couldn't have said it better myself. the good thing is us siblings always have eachother because we are truly the only ones who know exactly how one another feels. i love you mel :)
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